Sarah (or whichever secretary or engineer finds themselves at the end of the forwarding chain this request goes on),

As it is the first of the month, I expect my monthly allotment of credits for computer time has been refilled. I believe I should have 10 credits, and would therefore like to use them immediately to ask the computer the following 10 questions. Should any need rephrasing or require multiple credits to process, please return this memo to me so I can adjust my request accordingly. My questions are the following:

1. How many lumps of sugar does God take in their coffee?
2. Is it "for fuck sake" or "for fuck's sake"?
3. If nothing is certain except death and taxes, and I avoid paying taxes, will I also never die?
4. What, in a universal sense, the hell is going on?
5. How can I remove any clasps, carabiners, hooks, or any other climbing or mounting hardware from my petard in order to avoid being hoisted by it?
6. What did Schrödinger have against cats?
7. How does ibuprofen know what's hurting?
8. What is my cat looking at when it's looking at something so intently behind me, only to seemingly make a fool out of me when I turn to look?
9. How do toothpaste tubes always have perfect stripes, and is it in any way related to wormholes?
10. Is there any way to be more famous than cheese?

Please have the computer's responses to these questions returned to me as soon as possible.

Many thanks,